The lovely views from mine (Tom) and Dave's balcony whilst working hard on the blog!

Monkeys illegified?

Apparently, it's illegal to make cheese from a monkey's milk in Romania. Who knew?! Also, cow's milk was originally called Beef Juice, but companies thought the name tended to misinterpretation.

Bananananananas?

Well a banana is actually a type of oblong shaped asteroid, and if it's bends it's very hot, if not it's freezing. Because of this, the people who pick bananas have to then curl them with banana curlers, so they look 'normal'.

Toilet Papers?

Toilet paper was actually invented by Shakespeare because he found it really hard to keep writing his pieces whilst on the toilet so he created small depth paper. He then discovered he would have to have lots and lots of sheets so he made it into a roll so he could keep going. His wife then used it to wipe herself and everyone agreed it was a brilliant idea.

Magnetic magnetism?

Many people believe that magnets are attracted by ‘magnetic waves’ and such lark. This is, of course, utter poppycock. Magnets are, in fact, drawn together by invisible tiny people with grappling hooks. The only problem with this as a job is when some pillock decides to chop one in half, when half of the little men have to jump from one half to another. So don’t chop them! You’re making their lives very hard!

Leprechauns vs. Imps?

Word has that the holes in crumpets are made by Leprechauns wearing golf shoe but last time i saw a Leprechaun it was playing call of duty:rainbow gold. So how are the holes in the top of crumpets made? - Anonymous

Aah, I know exactly what you mean. Leprechauns do tend to slack. However, they do not make the holes in the top of crumpets. The holes in the top of crumpets are, of course, created by imps with tiny sawn-off shotguns which fire lumps of butter which make holes then melt. Obviously, the imps have to wear ear protection because of the continued exposure to high noise levels. This had led to a boom in the miniature ear muffs market in recent years.

Babies not delivered first class?

Ahh. Many people would come under the common misconception that babies are delivered by a large white bird called a stork, as shown in the Disney film ‘Dumbo.’ This is of course, utter poppycock. Babies aren’t actually delivered by animals. Babies actually originate from a tiny island just south of the South pole, where they grow on the ground much like pumpkins. They are then transported around the world by invisible steamboats driven by remarkably powerful computers.