The lovely views from mine (Tom) and Dave's balcony whilst working hard on the blog!

Monkeys illegified?

Apparently, it's illegal to make cheese from a monkey's milk in Romania. Who knew?! Also, cow's milk was originally called Beef Juice, but companies thought the name tended to misinterpretation.

Bananananananas?

Well a banana is actually a type of oblong shaped asteroid, and if it's bends it's very hot, if not it's freezing. Because of this, the people who pick bananas have to then curl them with banana curlers, so they look 'normal'.

Toilet Papers?

Toilet paper was actually invented by Shakespeare because he found it really hard to keep writing his pieces whilst on the toilet so he created small depth paper. He then discovered he would have to have lots and lots of sheets so he made it into a roll so he could keep going. His wife then used it to wipe herself and everyone agreed it was a brilliant idea.

Magnetic magnetism?

Many people believe that magnets are attracted by ‘magnetic waves’ and such lark. This is, of course, utter poppycock. Magnets are, in fact, drawn together by invisible tiny people with grappling hooks. The only problem with this as a job is when some pillock decides to chop one in half, when half of the little men have to jump from one half to another. So don’t chop them! You’re making their lives very hard!

Leprechauns vs. Imps?

Word has that the holes in crumpets are made by Leprechauns wearing golf shoe but last time i saw a Leprechaun it was playing call of duty:rainbow gold. So how are the holes in the top of crumpets made? - Anonymous

Aah, I know exactly what you mean. Leprechauns do tend to slack. However, they do not make the holes in the top of crumpets. The holes in the top of crumpets are, of course, created by imps with tiny sawn-off shotguns which fire lumps of butter which make holes then melt. Obviously, the imps have to wear ear protection because of the continued exposure to high noise levels. This had led to a boom in the miniature ear muffs market in recent years.

Babies not delivered first class?

Ahh. Many people would come under the common misconception that babies are delivered by a large white bird called a stork, as shown in the Disney film ‘Dumbo.’ This is of course, utter poppycock. Babies aren’t actually delivered by animals. Babies actually originate from a tiny island just south of the South pole, where they grow on the ground much like pumpkins. They are then transported around the world by invisible steamboats driven by remarkably powerful computers.

Indoor athletics?

Have you ever wondered where indoor athletic tracks originated from? Turns out they were originally introduced by the Romans in the early AD’s to give them somewhere to race their armadillos. Of course, armadillos are not to be found natively in ancient Rome, but the Romans managed to ship some over from the states. Apparently, watching armadillos race is a slow and tedious process compared to setting lions on poorly-armed peasants, and so the occasional supporter would jump to the track and race themselves. This then developed into to 100, 200, 400 and 800m track races. Huzzah for the Romans.

Liberty?

It has come to my attention that the prized statue of Liberty based outside New York is not all it seems. Many people know that it was a gift to the American people by the French, but not many know the true motive of this gift. The statue of liberty, a recent survey carried out by a team of scientists studying heat-sensitive satellites has discovered, is actually the results of a French experiment to produce a transformer-like being and place it unsuspectingly in Americas hands. Fortunately, the man responsible for turning it on was ill on the day, and he’s not got round to it yet.

Fire Hot!

Of course, everybody knows that the sun was once a planet much like earth, except all the people were just walking zippo lighters. Quite obviously, the galactic republic’s planning permissions and health & safety department decided that this was a fire hazard, and came to the conclusion it should be destroyed to prevent any further damage. Giant interstellar flamethrower apparently not the desired weapon of choice. Solar flares are, in fact, the horrific screams of melting zippo lighters.

Submersible whales?

The famous mythical submersible ship ‘Nautilus’ has been recently scavenged from the seabed close to Easter Island. A study carried out by the resident science team aboard the scavenging vessel ‘Atilla’ has discovered that it was carved from an entire whale, then treated so it almost instantaneously fossilised. This has led a recent surge in an attempt to discover how this has been done, and whether it’s applicable to pigeons.

Salty stuff!

This just in; Salted peanuts are grown on aquatic peanut plants, are are plucked by the fishy hands of mermaids, thus coming freshly salted. Of course, oven roasted peanuts are just normal peanuts which have been roasted after the monkeys pick them.

Angry jaffa?

Recent reports of increased amounts of people spontaneously combusting in indonesia have been linked to a now-recalled batch of jaffa cakes which were horribly malformed in their production. Apparently, they were accidentally filled with agent orange and not jaffa. 

Pringles - Misshapen?

Word on the street today is that pringles aren’t actually meant to be curved. They were originally completely circular, but due to a malfunction with the first pringle-making machine, all the duplicates then ended up creating slightly ovular, curved pringles. Of course the company didn’t want to admit that they’d made a mistake in forming the pringles, so they just went with it.

Freddo prices linked to tiny people?

Word has it that Freddo prices recently increased not due to the rise in VAT nor the new management Cadbury’s is under; But due to the fact that the campaigns of the tiny people employed by Cadbury’s to create their chocolate buttons, a worker’s union has formed and laid out a statement that they must not only be paid, but be paid two pence as a whole for every Freddo or Caramel Freddo sold. This has, of course, led to outrage by the tiny people working for McVities, who claim that their arguments against the mangement are being ignored.

Pig beef?

Beef was originally thought up by pigs, but cows liked the idea so much they thought they’d steal it. Unfortunately, due to an anonymous donation, the cow’s marketing ploy was much better than the pig’s, and so cow beef became popular. The cows then took out a patent on beef and pigs were forced to live off their poor earnings from pork. Strangely, both pigs and cows evolved from aubergines.

Gullible was a sea captain?

It has recently come to light that the word ‘gullible’ is derived from a once-famous sea captain ‘Captain Gullible’. The reason we take the word to mean ‘easily led’ nowadays is due to the fact a door-to-door salesman managed to convince him that he could sell him Atlantis, and thereby control of the seas. Of course, everyone knows it’s actually neptune’s trident which awards control of the seas, not the long lost city of Atlantis.

War lilies?

Ironically, the roots of the Japanese peace lily thrive on an iron-based compound derived from rock samples extracted from the Sudan during the Spanish civil war.

Clangers involved in secret Russian Space-Base?

Recent rumours have arisen to the effect that the earth is actually the only planet in the solar system, and the others have been invented to fill the void. Also, the moon is actually a Russian space-base, much akin to the death star. It was put into orbit shortly before the first lunar landings, explaining the lack of Clangers. Their insurance did not cover living on a space station, and so they have been relocated to a small village outside of Toronto, where it is nearly as cold.

Rat-a-tat-tat?

The drum roll, (Normally played on a snare or ‘tom’), was invented by Canadian inuit Richard Richardson on the 23rd of April, 1682; To put into sound form the noise of the not-yet-created AK-47, which he had experienced a long and terrifying dream about the previous night.

E=MC2?

So yeah, it turns out that Einstein’s famous E=MC2 was not actually created to explain mass and antimass creation, but to be a cheap sell to poorly-educated mafiadons in Rio. The profits were then donated to support people living in the poor Italian communities.

Humble beginnings?

Disgestive biscuits are actually the collected remnants of crumbs from Hob-Nobs, collected by an army of miniature people employed by McVities. Unfortunately, miniature crumb-collecting militia have very few rights, and don’t have a trade union.

JFK's assassination - A fraud?

JFK was never actually assassinated, the man in the car was a manikin filled with tomato ketchup.
The escapade was originally designed as a publicity stunt to raise awareness for Heinz, but so many people believed in and were agitated by the whole thing that it was left as an assassination and he has been placed in a cave with Marilyn Monroe and Austin Powers.